automatic writing

because it has been too long since I made the resolve months ago to revive this blog
because it has been two months since i posted the notice in this blog and nothing has followed after that because there is not much to write about
because it is not true that there is nothing to write about
because the truth is that there is much so much but i am swamped with work and family and self and selves
because it is not true that i have that many interesting selves that each one demands time away from writing
because writing matters to me it is everything and i should write every single day
because i should stop writing in the way i do now with and in my mind only
because the mind truly has no limits and is the one thing that astonishes still
because we need limits and margins and edges of things
because surfaces have real edges even if they tend to make things seem cramped and brutal and short
because life is actually cramped and brutal and much too short
because it is too damn long and boring and everything keeps happening over and over again and people don't learn their lesson
because people sometimes do learn their lesson and undergo remarkable transformations and are amazing absolutely amazing that way
because i need amazement and nothing else
because one day when it seemed like it had been too long since anything amazing has happened i opened my inbox and found three poems
because discovering poetry while randomly checking personal emails in the middle of a busy workday restores my faith in a big way
because i need faith and my faith needs restoring every now and then
because the only other person who had such faith and such a relationship with faith has left for another country and i have no one to go to a church with on random days
because i think of leaving the country too
because i am starting to hate the constant leaving and saying goodbye and have recently developed a paralyzing sense of anxiety over flying
because there is no exhilaration like the exhilaration of taking off and that final lurch before flying
because exhilaration is the only way and the only way to exhilaration is to take off and fly and do it on very early mornings
because one very early morning when i was convinced that there was nothing nothing nothing more to this you do the one thing that helped me finally close my eyes and truly peacefully sleep
because i need to sleep and have been troubled by the lack of it in a way that is not healthy for everyone concerned
because to me it is essential that everyone concerned do not remain concerned for too long
because this has gone on long enough and i can now allow myself to stop just stop.