i have a new cuss phrase

"tutang ina!"

puede, di ba? malutong. sarap ulit-ulitin. tutang ina! naisip ko lang ito kanina while husband weng and i were making tambay sa gutter, in front of 7-11, watching dressed-up dashing debutantes sashay by on their way to the sports bar beside the store. kami naman naka-pambahay at tsinelas, nagyoyosi habang umiinom ng c2. wala lang. actually, meron. marami. plenty plenty. and i don't even know why i'm blogging in tag/lish, which is not my language. i guess when i blog i have certain people in mind as my kausaps. kausaps. puede rin! ah pakenshet. di talaga ako marunong. i think i'm going mad. haven't had real sleep for more than a week now. haven't had a real drink, too! pero i really need to sleep. tulog ko puro installments, tigatatlo o dalwang oras lang. i traverse all three realms, real-imaginary-symbolic, in hourly cycles everyday. my limbs quiver like jello. my eyes burn like ulings. ulings. hehe. kakatawa. kakaloka. i'm going home to tacloban in a few hours. excitement and dread, excitement and dread. oh, these tragicomic family emergencies. serious naman yung issue, pero funny talaga mga tao. or, at least, i haven't lost my sense of humor and resistance yet. pero, tutang ina! sobrang bad timing talaga. i just want this year to be over. everything's so uncertain, in a pretty scary way. di ko tuloy maintindihan minsan why i even bother with my thesis which no one but my assigned readers will read. won't cure my mother's illness. won't improve my sister's condition. won't even improve my condition. ay ambot. tutang ina si gma!

You are "Stand Inside Your Love" from the
album "Machina--the Machines of God."


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still thinking of one

still writing. still alive. i wake up early. take a shower. laugh over old family jokes at a big breakfast table. prepare mother psychologically and otherwise for the hospital. entertain sympathetic visitors. run from one doctor's office to another. pay bills. get or look for money. enthuse over the newbies at the US open with husband weng. comfort my older sister over the phone. distract my younger siblings with anecdotes. discuss crime with father. pray nine-day novenas with mother. sit through mass on sundays. work on thesis on borrowed time. meet with adviser. adjust my ideology to fit hers. make thesis less difficult. smile through it all.

i've been gone for over a month. missed many important inumans. still no good news or significant positive developments to report. but i'm still here. and will schedule one grand booze fest with everyone before i give in finally to a proper, well-deserved breakdown.