cool, gray, damp afternoons; an elegy, and a remembrance

cool, gray, damp afternoons remind me very much of my dorm days in UP, of me always cutting afternoon classes in favor of endless hours of reading, and smoking, and often just being overtaken by ennui. second sems were the worst, my sloth encouraged by cold december afternoons. i was always strapped to my bed facing a wide window and an enormous star apple tree. i think 3/4 of the short stories i wrote in college had my corner of the dorm room in gothic-inspired kamia residence hall as setting. talk about limited exposure, and utter laziness.

so many things these days keep reminding me of UP, or of my UP days. at the terno concert in marikina shoe expo last saturday, for example, i was surprised to see so many people from my batch in UP, most of whom i only became comfortable and friendlier with after college. the whole event, in fact, had a very keen UP atmosphere about it, i thought. also last saturday, I received a call from emmily, one of my closest friends from college, one of the very few I made, outside the circle of friends I had from tacloban. she and her husband dan are in town for a short break. we arranged to meet and spend a whole day going around, visiting old haunts – like our dorm - or simply hanging out in UP.

and then last monday, i found myself going to UP to visit, actually just to touch the door of, the office of a favorite teacher who just passed away. i was informed of her passing by some co-faculty members in ateneo. prof. fernandez was also a teacher of theirs last sem, and she was my teacher in aesthetics two years ago. i was very much affected by the news. just weeks before that, they had told me that prof. fernandez has been using the papers i submitted to her class as examples for her other classes, and that i should pay the old prof. a visit because she remembers me, and talks about me in her class. i was very surprised to hear that. i didn't think she would remember me at all, although i really did like her class, and was unusually diligent that sem. but i usually never go out of my way to befriend, or be friends with, teachers. i never talked to prof. fernandez outside the class room, for instance. i wanted to, but always felt shy to actually do it. but then she always had this lighthearted manner about her in the class room, that made you feel like you’re not in a class room, and she always used a conversational tone, even when giving a lecture, not at all like the typical professor emeritus. and yet she was very sharp, for her age. she also gave us what i thought was a brilliant reading list, which made us go back to the classic texts, encouraged us to take stock of how ideas and conceptions about art and literature have changed, and yet have not changed all that much, through the centuries. hers was one of the last classes i took before i started working on my theses (feeling ko, i’ve worked on at least three kasi e), and went crazy trying to finish one. i have been meaning to pay her a visit, drop by her office, or sit in one of her classes, but somehow never got around to doing it. and so, last monday, i finally did get around to dropping by her office at the faculty center, but only to press my palm against her office door, say a prayer of sorts, and offer her my deepest, sincerest thanks.

and then, last night, after the writers night, while we were walking away from the faculty center, i just terribly, terribly missed UP or being in UP all of a sudden.